@1Happytwit: 6yo's can't go to jail so I have no idea why this one's refusing to drive me home from the pub.
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@JohnnyCrash5: Friend: How come you didn't come to my babyshower? Me: Oh I'm sorry but I passed away.
@DaddyJew: Me: I can't come in today, too much snow Boss: according to your FB page you've already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built Me: that is correct B: can I come hang?
@envydatropic: *Sees a guy blow a snot rocket* Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
@rainerfm: Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.