6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
You Might Also Like
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Very good! 👍😂
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
need him
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.