7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Do not levitate over flowers
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.