7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
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The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.