7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
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Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?