7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
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I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*