7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
You Might Also Like
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”