7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
wishing you and yours all the best
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
english majors be like furthermore
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.