The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.