7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
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If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
ugh not again
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
This meal prepping shit is easy
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?