Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
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The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great