me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
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A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Hmm, not sure about this change
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online