a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
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Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHR脰DINGER: *nods approvingly*
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 馃幎 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 馃幎
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I bet birds love this building.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
If I don鈥檛 win Mega Millions tonight, I鈥檓 going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i鈥檓 so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you鈥檙e doing great sweetie
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I鈥檓 rubbing this lamp