I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
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[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.