One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
We have a winner.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”