I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
i dont have time for this
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.