I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School