7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
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[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding