7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
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Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game