70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
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There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
ugh not again
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.