Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
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TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin