I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
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I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin