@theshamingofjay: 75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
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@MartaEffing: [first date] Me: *sees he owns a cat* Him: Are you a cat or a dog person? Me: *maintains eye contact* *pushes cat off the table* *leaves*
@HonestToddler: Toilet won't stop throwing up. I didn't know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
@Thynebear: [puts baby in highchair] Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
@natedeschaine: Just finished writing my will. In TOTALLY UNRELATED news, I'm about to try resolving some issues regarding my iTunes library.