they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
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Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it