7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I bet birds love this building.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any