7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
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The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”