7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Match dot com, but for socks.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.