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guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?