@Pspenny36: 7yo: mommy you smell like beer. Me: well, you smell like a bad idea that your dad and I thought could fix our marriage....now go to bed.
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@thetigersez: Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
@Kyle_Lippert: NOAH'S GOOGLE HISTORY 1) What is an ark? 2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark? 4) Are snakes necessary? 5) Is god real or am I high?
@Home_Halfway: [Starbucks meeting] ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer
@reTICKulous: *pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way