[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
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[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
won’t smith
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.