I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
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Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
#CatsOnTwitter
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit