The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
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The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?