7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
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edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo