7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK