7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
why I oughta
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job