I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.