You Might Also Like
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Body by sandwich.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments