Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
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“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.