8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
This week’s mood.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”