To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
You Might Also Like
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
There is wisdom there.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
No laws when master is gone
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors