I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
You Might Also Like
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.