My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
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Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.