83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
You Might Also Like
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games