*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it