878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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yes… yes…
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.