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if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
*checks Timeline*…
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids