8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
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Radiohead fans, this is for you.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.