8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
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Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia