8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
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I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.