8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.