Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
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[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.