9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
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Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this