The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
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doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
There is no “we” in pizza
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.