*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
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“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.